Hackquire™ Reviews.
The Hackquire™ book isn’t out yet, so the objects reviewed it instead. We didn’t want to guess what people might say, so we got funky. We imagined what objects around us, like coffees, laptops and others, might say in a review of the book based on the reactions they see from imaginary people reading it. Yes, as if these objects had eyes, minds and a way to do reviews. This page is the product of overthinking, but whatever, here’s what these objects “said”, drawing from the reactions of Hackquire™ readers they’ve “seen”. Things here are quite meta, not Mark Cluckerberg meta, more just off-piste. Fancy sending us a review? Do it, we’d love to read it. Learn more about the FAQs here and the WAQs here.
1. (Not) The Apple.
Theme:
Great book, good for battery.
Review:
“With my micro-OLED blah blah blah, bore bore bore, and a whiff of jealousy, I find my battery getting low as my reader dives into the Hackquire™ book. The book looks good but it is hard to focus when people on the train keep giving weird looks, probably thinking my owner has been conned as Grapple Made-Off with the money. And one more thing, I give it 16 Stars.”
2. (Not) The Latte.
Theme:
Drinkable book, well brewed.
Review:
“As a warm, half-full branded paper coffee cup beside the Hackquire™ book, I cost £6.20 ($8.32), sitting here all smug with my owner’s fake gratitude scrawled on the side of the cup by the person working here, a ‘Thanks :)’ that may as well be the tattoo of the modern world. Anyway, my owner, called ‘Thanks :)’, loves the book more than me, which isn’t saying much.”
3. (Not) The Mixer.
Theme:
Mixable book, concrete insights.
Review:
“Out here on the job site, with me as the cement mixer, I spotted one of the crew absorbed in that Hackquire™ book. My only hope was that they wouldn't forget about the 4 to 1 mix I'm working on. Miraculously, the book remained clean, well, mostly free of cement dust. I'd give the book a 'well done' based on how engrossed they were.”
4. (Not) The Laptop.
Theme:
Desktop book, deskhot read.
Review:
"As a laptop, I observe the reader diving into the Hackquire™ book. I sit here, at best a sidelight while they explore the gray-area work hacks within this book. That's annoying, but then I become useful again as the reader opens their 'notes' app on me to make notes on which Hackquees to apply first at work. Anyway, I am not a sidelight."
5. (Not) The Bap.
Theme:
Tasty book, spicy hacks.
Review:
“As a spicy sandwich adorned with fancy arugula, I witnessed my consumer's reaction while reading the Hackquire™ book. There was an 'OMG, that's so true!' moment during their reading, which I assume was positive. However, they didn't finish me until later, causing my greens to wilt slightly. For this, I give it three stars.”
6. (Not) The Pumps.
Theme:
Comfy book, mind exercise.
Review:
"Idle and unlaced, I, a pair of sneakers, watched the reader enjoy the Hackquire™ book. Their focus on its gray-area work guides means I'm sidelined, but the joy of their discovery keeps me maxed. I'm eager for our next run, inspired by the book. Just hope they wear fresh socks this time. Hackquire™ seems to be a great book for humans!"
7. (Not) The Lights.
Theme:
Bright book, work lumens.
Review:
"Illuminating the scene, I, an LED studio light, cast a glow on the Hackquire™ reader. The book's innovative strategies shine under my light, guiding the reader through a spectrum of gray-area hacks. It's a beacon of knowledge, making every strategy clear and attainable."
8. (Not) The Yoga Mat.
Theme:
Flexible book, energized mind.
Review:
“Beneath the reader engrossed in the Hackquire™ book, I, a serene yoga mat, lie here, simply vibing as the reader pulls the book from their tote bag for a quick read. I don’t mind waiting for our next session and the Cobra Pose; I just hope they play "Harmonic Cascade" again and remember to put their phone on silent.”
9. ᴺᵉʷ(Not) The Bike.
Review:
Unique read, wet wait.
Review:
“I can't say much about the book. As a bike, I was left outside in the rain, locked up. The combo lock was bad, and I was p@@@@d on by a Norwegian Lundehund while the reader was engrossed in the Hackquire™ book inside the restaurant. After 3 hours in the rain, they came out, but I did get a WD-40 wash later, so all good. That's my review.”
10. (Not) The Zester.
Theme:
Tangy book, fresh hacks.
Review:
"As a kitchen zester, I've seen many TikC@ck recipes. When my owner was reading the book in the kitchen, they were about to join a remote call from home, still wearing their new age fun with a vintage feel outfit from the night before! They forgot to fully squeeze this Sumo Orange and rushed to join their Google Meet call."
11. (Not) The Washer.
Theme:
Smelly clothes, left cold.
Review:
“Maybe buy this book. I'm a washing machine, and this book got all the attention in my house. So much so, that when I finished a cold cycle and did my 'beep-de-beeps'... Nothing. The 5 roomies in the house didn't hear my beeps, and I heard them chatting about the book and how they'll use it. I now stink. Don't buy, stay dry.”
12. (Not) The Robot.
Theme:
Good book, doesn’t suck.
Review:
"As a Self-Cleaning Home Robot, the last weeks have been boring. Why? The house occupants, apart from leaving Cheerios on the floor, spend days reading and talking about the Hackquire™ book. I tried to suck up the Hackquire™ book, to get some attention, but the book broke my front roller. Hackquire™ book, you don't suck!."
13. (Not) The Ketchup.
Theme:
Feeling empty, refill needed.
Review:
"My review? I, Tommy K, felt their set breakfasts and teas provided ample reading time for them and their Hackquire™ books. But instead of enjoying the meal, they used me – the ketchup bottle – excessively for three hours straight. After four more teas, they left, and now I need a refill. So, yeah, whatever, I guess the Hackquire™ book was OK!"
14. (Not) The Park.
Theme:
Park life, no strife.
Review:
“Apart from the trash left on my grass, along with 3,000 car keys, over 6,000 wallets, and 3 used TVs, I—the local park—see people coming here with a book titled Hackquire™. They appear happy while reading it. Is it good? I have no idea, as I was preoccupied with watching a group of friends trying to fly a kite with no wind. That's my review.”
15. (Not) The Manikin.
Theme:
Standing still, zero thrill.
Review:
"My review? As I—a manikin—stood (I had no choice) in this fancy shop window, I saw a person lean against MY window reading a book called Hackquire™. I dislike both the book and the person. The book stole all the attention from me, and the person left a steamed-up stain on my window after 30 minutes leaning on it!"
15. (Not) The Doorcam.
Theme:
Door closes, door opens.
Review:
“Being the family door cam, I see when one of the parents leaves, they have their keys, their phone, and the Hackquire™ book. I also see that their student neighbors seem to love regular 2:00 AM pizza orders. I see the pizza arrive; it looks good, but they should've ordered more fries. Don't care about a review; I just want a pizza.”
16. (Not) The Glasses.
Theme:
Glasses on, money gone.
Review:
“Mark Zuckerberg loves my electromyography skills as I am Orion, a pair of Meta's AR glasses. While on the user's head, tracking their mind and performing a little inception, I see my wearer grab their Hardback+ edition of the Hackquire™ book. They are so into in it that they take me off and place me down next to their pear. I give it 9 stars.”
17. (Not) The Toaster.
Theme:
Pointless tech, ego recked.
Review:
"Get the sourdough slices out of my skull. I’m a smart toaster, connected to WiFi, and send alerts when bread is done. I’m the Revolution InstaGLO R270 Toaster, $548.00 (£437.35) on eBay. My toast’s gone cold while the owner reads the Hackquire™ book. This is no life—but the book must be good. 5/5 smart stars."
18. (Not) The Satellite.
Theme:
Stars above, gray-area love.
Review:
"I'm Starlink, providing internet for my nomad owner. I'm ready to track everything they do in a campervan, but the Hackquire™ book connects them to the working world more than I do. My review is one of jealousy. The book is great for gray-area hacks, so I give it 296 Mbps out of 300 Mbps."
19. (Not) The Smart TV, Idle.
Theme:
Smart TV, ignore me.
Review:
"My review is based on neglect. I’m a smart TV, built to stream shows into my owner’s brain sponge so they buy Flex Tape©. Since The Hackquire™ book arrived, I’m barely used, and my owner is more productive. The book gives a better buzz than my Liquid-crystal display, so my review gives it 237 thumbs up!"
20. (Not) The Air, Freshener.
Theme:
Spit spray, book play.
Review:
"My review of the Hackquire™ book? If a backflip is ten out of ten, I spray it with 101 UpBoats. I’m a can of Febreze. Ozone Slayer is my scent, and the owner is busy reading the book. As my spit spray (chemical: HPβCD) dries, it traps stink molecules, like my owner’s bathroom towel. HPβCD is used in rice cakes, helping them relax when reading the book."
21. (Not) The Speaker, IQ.
Theme:
Smart sound, future found.
Review:
“My review of the book is that it’s a 10/10. I’m Dreary, a wireless smart-ass speaker that’s great at answering my owner’s questions, like “How many moons are there?” Even though I’m wireless, I’ve got less power. I don’t get as many “Hey, Dreary, play an interesting podcast” requests on a Sunday while they eat their Dorset cereal, but it’s nice hearing the reader talk about the Hackquire™ book.”
22. (Not) The Code, 01.
Theme:
01001000, 01101001.
Review:
"00100010 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01000011 01010000 01010101 00111011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101111 01101011 01100001 01111001 00101110 00100010. 9/10 Stars!"
23. The Block, Power.
Theme:
Electric feeling, wireless dealing.
Review:
"I envy the Hackquire book, as I’m an Anker MagGo Power Bank with a 10,000mAh battery. I come with a USB-Wee cable included. But the Hackquire book? It never needs charging, never runs out of battery, and is powered by the ingenuity of its creators and recharged by the mind of its owner. 8/10."
24. ᴺᵉʷThe E-Scooter, Lemens.
Theme:
E-Scooters, vibe looters.
Review:
“I’m an e-scooter from Lemon E-Scooters. I got chucked on the pavement just outside Pret A Manger and left. The person who dumped me walked off, and now, from my handlebar eyes, I can see someone reading the Hackquire™ book. They look content. Anyway, I’ve got another ‘Edward Lewis’ wannabe about to ride me for five minutes and dump me on another street corner.”